


In me all that fire is repeated, nothing is extinguished or forgotten

by ClassicalLeo



Category: Eu não quero voltar sozinho | I Don't Want to Go Back Alone (2010), Hoje Eu Quero Voltar Sozinho | The Way He Looks (2014)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-22
Updated: 2015-05-22
Packaged: 2018-03-31 17:51:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3987262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClassicalLeo/pseuds/ClassicalLeo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a companion piece, inspired by ammonite's "As if you were on fire from within".</p>
            </blockquote>





	In me all that fire is repeated, nothing is extinguished or forgotten

Giovana may have just been right the day before school. Another summer and nothing happens. No drama. No romance. But it just takes a day to flip everything upside down.

*

His voice is magical when he asks if it’s room 211. And he asks to sit behind you, not realizing you’re blind or that he’ll be hearing the incessant chatter of your Braille typewriter. 

You can’t sleep that night. You shuffle and turn restlessly in your bed. You feel hot and tangled in your sheets. Gabriel’s voice is in your head on repeat.

“Is that seat empty?”

*

He’s interested in Braille so you decide to start teaching him. “It’s impossible!” he exclaims, and you tell him it’s easy. So when you grab his hand and start maneuvering it over raised dots, he doesn’t seem to mind: so much so that he lets your hand linger over his. It’s only when your mom opens the door that your hands drop to your laps. Then you wonder how long he would have let your hands stay like that had she not walked in.

*

 

The eclipse wasn’t Gabriel’s greatest idea, He forgets how many things he enjoys that are visual, but he’s good at explaining things. It’s an extra bonus to get touched in the process. The air is cool and clean on your skin riding on the back of his bike, and you wish it didn’t have to end.

 

When Gabriel says he left his hoodie at your house, the warning bells go off on in your head. You panic and want to invite him in, knowing there’s no way you’ll be able to get him in and out of your room unnoticed. You just want him there. 

 

You strip down to nothing but your underwear, and wrap yourself inside Gabriel’s hoodie like a cocoon. It smells like him, slightly musky and sweet. All you can do is touch yourself, wishing his hands hadn’t stopped at touching just your hands and your face.

 

*

You aren’t that keen on going to a party when Gabriel suggests it, but since he’s DJing for Karina, it’s probably a good way to stay close without wondering what he’d be doing without you.

 

That night you dream in voices and blur. Blur is the only way you can describe it, it’s not just an abyss of dark space. It’s like feeling faces in your dreams. Your voices and blurs are Karina and Gabriel talking. Karina suggests to Gabriel he should swim without a suit and you protest, only to be ignored.

You hit the clock button on your phone and it’s only 3:16 a.m. It’s a long time until morning, but you’re afraid to fall back asleep because of the tormenting blurs starting all over.

*

 

Gabriel’s warm, sweet breath in your ear telling you to move your feet when you dance sends a message to more than just your feet. 

At Karina’s party, she asks you for tips about Gabriel. You are polite but in your mind you are thinking: there is no fucking way you are going to play her wingman.

You have no desire to spin the bottle. You didn’t come to this party with any intentions of kissing anyone in that circle, but you play along because maybe Fabio will relent on his endless bullying, at least temporarily. And it may have been, had Giovana not ripped you away right as Marta was going to kiss you.

 

As angry as you are, it’s a relief. You’re not willing to admit to anyone your first kiss resulted as part of a juvenile game with someone you really didn’t want to kiss anyway.

First it was Gabriel and now Marta. You wonder what exactly Giovana’s problem is with you.

Gabriel isn’t any better at providing answers when he suggests you both go home. You can’t deal with either of them, and you blurt out that all they want to do is control you and nobody wants to kiss you. Surprisingly, you flinch as Gabriel grabs your face with both hands and kisses you.

 

Shockwaves run through your body. Exactly what just happened?

 

*

 

With Giovana and Gabriel both ignoring you, the camping trip isn’t exactly what you want to be doing, but there’s no loophole now. Giovana doesn’t say a word boarding the bus, a teacher has to lead you on, and Gabriel arrives late with Karina.

When you get there, Gabriel finally breaks the silence while discussing zooplankton. He says yours is down. His is hungover, and apparently it also has a killer case of amnesia. He doesn’t bring up the kiss at all–stating he doesn’t remember the night, like it’s vanished altogether.

 

He touches you repeatedly at the pool, holding your hand to squeeze sunscreen into it. You flinch when he finds the excuse to touch your face, and then your stomach later. Fabio and his crew have noticed it. They can’t help but tease but Gabriel snaps back at them.

 

It’s a good thing that you trust Gabriel to the core of your being; you wouldn’t otherwise get the sunscreen (that he insisted that you wear) off your body. He argues with you for being fussy. Even though you’re alone–make that especially since you’re alone–it only makes sense that you wear shorts in the shower. It’s too horrendously vulnerable for you otherwise. You wind up taking them off out of practicality–who showers in shorts anyway?

 

*

Gabriel finally forces you and Giovana to talk, leaving with Karina to find booze. You don’t want to be without Gabriel, especially given how cold and jealous Giovana has been.

 

When Giovana takes you to get alcohol at Carlinhos’ tent, he also says that he hasn’t seen Gabriel and that he and Karina are getting closer. Everyone is assuming they’re making out somewhere.

 

Shit.

 

It doesn’t make any sense when you and Gi can’t find him. You lay on a blanket with her, and things get better. You’ve missed your best friend, giggling with her about classmates and things that have happened on the trip. You turn serious when you confess to her that you think you’re in love with Gabriel. It gives you a sense of being totally out of control, but you hope it explains to her why you’ve spent so much time with him.

 

She says she’s getting up to get more to drink, but she never comes back.

 

*

 

You spend Monday and Tuesday at home with a cold. After what seemed like a never ending lecture from your mom. Giovana visits. 

“I’m sorry for ignoring the news,” she tells you. “I never thought of you that way.”

You’re not exactly sure which way she means–gay or just sexual at all period–but she makes it all better when she says she thinks you and Gabriel will make a cute couple.

 

Wednesday, you’re home alone, and the day drags along. Your mom insisted you stay home, not to get your grandmother sick. You listen to your music, reading a book you’ve already read 50 times already.

You don’t expect Gabriel to show up, but once he’s there, you need answers. You’re crafty about asking, and you know he remembers kissing you. He drank all night at camp, and considerably less at Karina’s party. You were only there for two hours–and he was a DJ for the bulk of it.

“Leo, if you had stolen a kiss, how would you return it?”

You pull your hands out of your back pockets. Your left hand is on his neck and the fingers of your right hand trail his face until you find his lips. 

 

*

 

It surprises you both when you find out you and Gabriel ace your Sparta presentation. You spent the extra hour before your mom got home kissing, pushing aside any plans for doing extra work on the project. On the way out of class, Gi invites you and Gabriel to a festival in the town square on Friday night. It’s a good idea. “Ask William too,” Gabriel suggests.

Fabio teases about the new relationship as you walk past with your arm on Gabriel’s. You have no defense. All the things he is saying are true without him ever knowing. You squeeze Gabriel’s arm, before moving your hand down to clasp hands with him.

“There you have it, douche,” his friend retorts.

 

*

“What if I fall?” You ask him.

His response is immediate. “You get back up. But I’ll try not to let that happen.”

Next to kissing Gabriel, riding his bike is probably your favorite thing to do. After initially being terrified, it’s a liberating and freeing feeling to be on the bike. Gabriel explains, “It’s just like us. We were afraid at first and now look at us.”

His hands press into your shoulders as you pedal on.


End file.
